A post about sex… hello spammers

Over dinner last night with ManFriend, Social Scapegoat, Mr Black and The Devilish Ms M, we started talking about the pathologisation of women’s sex lives. When Ms M suggested that disinterest in sex could just be because your partner is lousy in bed, I’m sure Mr Black wished he’d gone to the bottleshop with ManFriend*.

But she’s got a point. I have an ex from a lifetime ago who I refer to – rather unkindly – as Two Song (as in, lasting all the way through two songs was a rare marathon). I was young and didn’t have the confidence to say ‘this isn’t good enough’; that my pleasure is just as important. So I assumed I wasn’t that interested in sex, when the real problem was that I wasn’t that interested in sex with him.

Another ex – the one I call ‘my dickhead ex’ because he was by far the biggest dickhead, particularly after we broke up – just did the jackhammer, which made me wonder why I was needed there in the first place.

I’m not saying that every night should be a three-hour orgasmathon – because when would we find time to read books and watch Outrageous Fortune? – but a good sex life requires an interest in your partner’s experience and how many of our early relationships had that? You’re not going to be very interested in sex with someone who isn’t interested in your pleasure, but when we pathologise that disinterest, no one wins. Oh, except drug companies. They win: Drugs for Low Libido Raise Concerns Over Industry ‘Construction’ of New Diseases:

Drug companies have not only sponsored the science of a new condition known as female sexual dysfunction, they have helped to construct it, in order to build global markets for new drugs, reveals an article in the British Medical Journal.

A lot of people are very rich as a result of telling women there’s something wrong with them.

I’m also not saying men are crap in bed, because there are just as many women who are lousy/lazy lovers and we’re all guilty of being ordinary from time to time. But what I am saying is that I don’t see men’s sex lives being pathologised the way that women’s sex lives are. Sure, there’s Viagra, but that’s pitched at older men who want to shag like younger men. Ergo, apparently, young men are good shaggers.

(Straight) women are socialised to think about “his pleasure”. Women’s magazines – that teenage girls read – are filled with articles on how to get him off in new and interesting ways, and how to make yourself more interested in sex so you can have sex whenever he wants (because if it was whenever you want, then why would you need to make yourself more interested in it?).

As ManFriend pointed out, some men’s mags now have cover lines about being a better lover. I’m happy to be wrong about this, but I’m guessing they pitch it as ‘be a better man, be a more manly man, by being better in bed’. Women’s mags tend to pitch it as ‘be a better lover for him’.

Not sure where I’m going with this rant. Except to say, sex = good, pathologising = bad, and I didn’t get to finish my rant about that over dinner. There, all done now.

* Not suggesting that Mr Black is lousy in bed. I wouldn’t know because that would be weird. All I meant was that he joked about being uncomfortable because he was the only guy at the table.

15 responses to “A post about sex… hello spammers

  1. **POSSIBLE TMI ALERT****

    I can honestly say I am amazingly grateful, in a slightly creeped-out way, that ALL my pre-marriage partners (ie, all but one of my partners) were between 8 and 29 years older than me. The more experience the better as far as the somewhat debauched teenager I was is concerned. I was (almost) always treated as if my experience was AT LEAST as important, and I am still friends with…the ones I still want to be friends with.
    I think that both-having-fun is vital and being able to have a laugh too – because otherwise you might as well use toys.
    And no doubt I am a better lover ‘for him’ – my lucky, lucky husband. hahahahaha! (Actually it’s ALL FOR ME! ME ME ME!!!!! Don’t tell him I said that!)

  2. Your points are valid but there’s way more to it than that. Check out http://feministswithfsd.wordpress.com/ for a start.

    • Hi Anon atm, welcome to the News with Nipples. I know that blog, but thanks for sharing the link with my readers. You’re right, there is more to it than this simplistic post. My point was about pathologising something that isn’t necessarily a problem.

  3. Thank you for the clarification that you weren’t suggesting I’m lousy in bed. Last thing I need is yet ANOTHER website alleging that.

    On the men’s magazines telling men how to be better lovers. That’s interesting. I have noticed far more articles on how to GET the girl into bed than on what to do once you’re there. And not many of them cover what I consider to be the real secret of sex – it’s all about your brain. Doesn’t matter what you poke, prod, stroke or nibble – if you’re not turning them on upstairs nothing is going to happen anywhere else.

    As you can see I feel it necessary to defend my virility and prowess. 😛

  4. Men’s sex lives are pathologised too I reckon, just look at the (recently debunked and now in trouble) nasal delivery (of course it’s debunked they are clearly focusing on the wrong protruding organ!!) products. There are all those ‘do it longer’ ads, the naked men playing piano. . . All aimed to make money from impotence.

    Apart from that I agree with all you said, especially the womens mags stuff (don’t read mens mags so can’t say. . . Actually rarely read womens mags unless I forget a book at the hairdressers) which is v clearly aimed at how to please a man. They may as well do articles on ‘how to make his favorite pot roast to keep him happy’ but that is too close to the bone (pun intended)

  5. Pingback: Offline | the news with nipples

  6. Wondered about the Simon thing – a friend of mine is also Simon Black. But not the same one.

    Definite TMI alert. I wonder about men’s attitude to sex because I often think mine isn’t entirely a normal male approach. I hate the fact that I can’t “last” very long. It doesn’t help, I guess, that both my wife and I were each others’ first and only partner.
    But for me, sex is about making her feel good. It is about sharing something deep (pardon the pun). And while we both know that usually I can’t last very long, we do have other ways of making up for it. Just have to make sure I always keep my nails trimmed.

    • Hi Gravey, welcome to the News with Nipples. Not TMI at all. It sounds like you and your wife have great communication, which makes for a great relationship.

    • Men lasting long is the pathologisation of mens sexual ability. Men don’t need to last long to give women immense pleasure they only need to last long to give themselves immense pleasure. As a woman I have had the most amazing sex from partners who use their tongue and fingers and intercourse was the icing at the end.

  7. Thanks for that.

    As a man, albeit a slightly more aware than most man, I still get caught up in the whole pathologisation. I knew about it but didn’t quite have the words for it.

    What I am extraordinarily grateful for – to the extent that I feel it is my duty to help others to the same realisation – is that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, or says how you should be. If you are happy – in particular if you make your partner happy – then life is pretty damned good.

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