This post started as a tweet earlier today:

You know what I’ve learned from working in an office? That other people have serious problems with their poo.

I’ve worked in several offices, but this one is by far the pooiest. And I don’t mean people oversharing – although I had a housemate once who kept me regularly informed – but people befouling the toilets. Some days there’s so much poo in them that they should be called toilet bowels. (People in this office seriously need to eat more fibre.)

But it’s the poo outside the toilet bowl that’s the most disturbing.

We had a poo smearer.

Over a few weeks, the poo situation rapidly progressed from skid marks to chunks actually on the toilet seat, to treasures stuck on the back of toilet doors, to one delightful day when it was smeared across the mirror. That someone risked a co-worker walking in while they had their fingers in poo on the mirror is fascinating.

The bigger the company, the messier the kitchen and bathroom – no doubt because there are more people who can be blamed for the mess. Or maybe it’s just because when you don’t know the names of all the people you work with, you don’t give a shit about cleaning up your shit.

And the messier the kitchen, the more signs asking you to “respect your colleagues”. As if the type of person who walks past the dishwasher to dump their plate in the sink for someone else to clean up is going be less of a douche because of a sign.

So, time to share. What’s the grossest thing you’ve seen in your office?

(PS: On the topic of being regular, we’ll have the internet again in a few days – apparently – so I’ll be back to daily blogging.)

31 responses to “Shit-tastic

  1. Ewww I threw up a little in my mouth reading that.

  2. Wow. That is indeed fascinating (and very disturbing!) I don’t recall any poo incidents in my paid work (although my mothering work obviously involves much poo!) We did have the person at my boarding school who often left used tampons in the shower, and somehow managed to get away with it. Another girl who, in protest after being suspended at school, upended a full sanitary bin in the shower cubicles. And another who pissed on the bed of a girl she loathed. But poo? Not so much sharing of that. Thankfully!

    • Speaking of leaving used tampons in public places, have you read Wetlands?

    • You obviously went to a better class of boarding school than I did. I have a lot of poo stories…I just figured that once people became adults they grew out of those kinds of behaviours. My illusions have been thoroughly shattered!

      • Actually, I shouldn’t have started this. I have so many poo stories. Like the time I was flying from Tashkent to Seoul after two weeks in Uzbekistan with my Dad. I could smell poo, and since Dad had been quite sick on the trip I thought it must have been him. (There was one fabulous night in Samarkand where we were tag-teaming the bathroom, him shitting and me vomiting, and let me tell you, vomiting sober is unpleasant enough, but when you have to stick your head in a toilet bowl that’s just been splattered… well, it was awful.)

        Anyway, we left the airport in Seoul – with all our luggage checked through to Sydney – to spend the day doing touristy stuff. We stopped at a nice hotel to use their bathroom, and I noticed that the smell was still with me. I thought I might have stepped in it, but when I checked my shoes I saw – to my absolute horror – that there was shit on my leg. And it wasn’t my shit.

        I had no luggage and no money, so I had to scrape it off and wash the fuck out of my trouser leg because I had to wear those trousers for the next 24 hours. It. Was. Revolting.

        I have no idea how it got there. When we were getting off the plane the woman behind me kept bumping her bag into my leg so maybe she was wiping the poo onto me. What a cow.

  3. Love it. Might just reply in my blog.

  4. holy crap, where do i start, i manage the office facilities globally for a multi-national and have been doing facilities for over a decade. There is little i haven seen….

    Usually the culprits are staff on their way out and know it, people who are doing their last month notice before being let go or the fucked up.

    Two examples that really did it for me.

    One lady who was given her one month notice popped in over the weekend and pooped in the top draw of her bosses pedestal. Unfortunately for her over the weekend no one else went to the floor and we have her on camera coming and going, she would have got away with it if someone else had come in on the weekend. She did use his tissues to wipe her arse and drooped them in the bin….

    Having sex on the boardroom table…. OK i can see the thrill but leaving a very big wet patch with semen sample is not cool.

    Oh and finding condoms in the stair wells isn’t cute ether.

  5. Happened to a mate when we were traveling through Asia in the 80’s.
    Mel woke up in the middle of the night about to explode in a cheap Nepalese hotel. He had to hurry down to the toilet, one per floor and it was being used his cries of hurry up were ignored for, Mel claims half an hour, eventually an idiot holding a book stuck his head around the door and suggested he try upstairs. Mel pointed out he could not make it upstairs as did the very morbidly interested crowd that had gathered. The idiot eventually gave up reading his book and exited the toilet, the crowd then exited rapidly as Mal exploded before making it to the toilet.

  6. My partner worked at Maccas during his days as a uni student, and because he was/is a bit of a smart arse the manager regularly gave him the job of mopping the floors – a task which also included the toilets. It was always pretty bad, but one time he went in there and someone had written in poo, “I like it like that” all over the mirror. My partner left it there, mopped the floor as he was asked and told the manager that he didn’t get paid enough to clean up shit. It happened a few times and the culprit (nicknamed “Colonel Sanders”) was never discovered.

    But leaving gross skids on the toilet is one thing; that’s just bad manners. Deliberately leaving poo on the outside of the toilet – especially if it requires the defecator to touch the poo themselves – is another matter and I can only suggest it stems from some sort of defecation exhibitionist type fetish.

  7. My gorge is very unhappy right now.

    • Your gorge? Oh, honey, your arse isn’t big.

      • Har de har har.
        For some reason the work Naughty Website filter isn’t working. I can now read your blog on my PC, and not on my iphone!
        I’m a bit excited about this, look at all these WORDS!
        Choice 🙂
        So yes, my gorge; As in it is rising. I’m not very good with shit and vomit, and any combination of the two is so much worse.

  8. Wow, I am glad I have never been employed in a workplace with such a depraved individual.

    What gets me are women who pee on the toilet seat in public toilets, what’s with that? Toilets at one of the stations here have this problem all the time so I prefer to ride the train to the next station when I need to use the facilities.

  9. At the first college I lived in at Uni we had a guy who was nicknamed Poo because of a prank he pulled on another resident.

    All of the rooms had their own sink, and someone had snuck into Poo’s room, put the plug in, and pissed in the sink. When Poo found out who the offender was he snuck into their room, filled their sink with steaming hot water and then shat in it. Unfortunately that person was away for the weekend, so by Monday his room reeked.

    A few years after that, Poo was awarded Young Australian of the Year. I guess that story never made it to the selection committee.

  10. Your post title has lodged so firmly in head and my day has truly gone to crap that it is the most shitastic day from the bowels of hell. Okay, not really. I am being melodramatic, but only a little bit. Besides the word shit in its forms just makes me giggle.
    And grating poo? I wouldn’t call that a ‘prank’… that’s one motherfucking grudge. Although if someone where to do it to Tony Abbott, then yes, it’s piss my pants funny. Otherwise it’s just really mean and really gross.

  11. thefirstJanineonthisblog

    Ahhh how we all love to talk about poo. It is fascinating how fascinated we all are about it. I was going to tell a personal poo disaster story that happened to me as a shy (can you believe it) first year uni student at UNSW in the roundhouse eating breakfast. Does a shart mean anything to you? The strangest thing was that I stayed at uni all day for fear of missing by biology lab! Oh the shame.

    However, a far better story comes from being the investigator on the Coogee Bay Hotel poo-gate (chocolate gelato mania) a couple of years back. I did get to the bottom of it….

  12. thefirstJanineonthisblog

    But oh how we are making up for it now. All the teenage loud mouths peaked way too soon…where are they now?

    Probably wouldn’t be the best career move to give the scoop on the poop. What a job it was! The most fascinating aspect was the enduring media interest; it recorded as one of the top online news stories for that year. Even reported in India. The poo puns that came out of the media were so regular… I must stop it now or I could encourage all the droppings again.

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