My thighs! My thighs!

A few months ago I said I was going to try out for roller derby. I hadn’t skated since primary school – apart from a few times in the hall at boarding school in year 8 – so I made a plan. It was an awesome plan involving Rollerfit (a fitness class on skates) to get used to being on wheels again, and the gym to “get fit”, which is as nicely vague as “getting my shit together”. So not really a plan at all, but two basic things so I’m not completely shit.

I went to Rollerfit four or five times, and then I got sick. Proper sick. Sick for two months. I was meant to go to hospital at one point to be put on an antibiotic drip, but going to emergency at midnight on a Saturday? No thank you. Even had to have a CT scan on my head to see why I was a dizzy snot factory. It’s still a mystery, but I’m better now and have some funny stories about the oxycodone days.

Anyway, suddenly – suddenly! – it was tryouts. At the info session I discovered that everyone else has been doing the raw meat course to prepare them for it. Oh well. And I still had the wrong skates. Oh well. But at least I wasn’t grey anymore. Yay normal face colour.

And I fucking did it! I got in!

Hang on, let me say that properly.



Ron Swanson

The glorious Ron Swanson doing the “News with Nipples is on the team” dance. The young people will be doing it in the discotheques soon.

Yesterday was our first fresh meat training session and faaaark me, do I hurt today. Two hours of knee slides, double knee slides, 180 degree knee slides, baseball slides, and hanging out in derby stance. I LOVED it but today my thighs certainly don’t love it. Nor does the side I did most of my baseball slides on – although it’s more accurate to call them “half stacking it and once getting a wheel in a place it has no business being in” slides.

Here’s a demo of 180 degree and baseball slides:

Oh, I got a pair of derby skates. They have the Black Wheels of Death so of course I stacked it while standing still. New wheels will have to wait ’til pay day.

I haven’t played sport or been on a team in 23 years and now I am doing both. Voluntarily. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

43 responses to “My thighs! My thighs!

  1. Well that’s easy. You’re Skater Kim!


    What are black wheels of death?

    • It’s hard to go past Julia Kill-Hard, isn’t it? At the pub on Saturday Lady C suggested K-Pow! which I also like. I used to work with a lovely woman who called me that.

      The black wheels of death are the scary wheels that come with my Riedell skates. I’m sure there’s a proper way to describe the problem with them, but it feels like my feet are always about to shoot out from under me, so when I’m skating, my ovaries shrink and I hesitate.

  3. I don’t know who you are but this is not who I thought you were.

  4. Sorry to hear you were so crook. It’s great that you’re doing roller derby πŸ™‚

  5. Wow! How brave are you? It’s hardly a sport for a novice,(unlike mine which is dog walking). Go girl!

  6. YOU ROCK Kimmando.

  7. Congratulations on getting through tryouts and good luck with the derby.

  8. drsusancalvin

    Brilliant! Good on you! Two words. “Black” and “Blue”. It’s a complete creme for bruising/joint pain/muscle aches. Nemidon. On line. Get it. (two broken legs here, so I know of which I speak)

  9. Keep safe, but live that dream!!!

  10. drsusancalvin

    “Both broken in derby? Nah. Dodgem Cars.

  11. drsusancalvin

    Car v Pedestrian. A young man, reportedly saddened by his father’s decision to ask him to move out of the Vaucluse family compound, (we’re talking BIG real estate money here) drove through the red light whilst I was crossing with the green walk sign. In the very definition of adding insult to injury he’s pleading “not guilty” next month. Upside? Wheelchair /walking on crutches for 8 months gives you awesome “guns”.

  12. I could do that little bit where you slide along the ground. I couldn’t do the bit before it (huh? throw myself down?) or the bit after it (I should spring to my feet?). Well done, NWN! I salute you. And I like Kimmando. Maybe Killa Kimmando?

    • Thank you. My sliding on the ground is more like an ungainly fling, thud, and grimace. But I can get up within the three seconds. Kimmando is taken. I’ve got my list down to two names, they’re on the fridge, will see which one fits best over the next week or so.

      Do you still skate?

  13. Congratulations! I was going to sign up for fresh meat in our new league but have had bad foot pain from a neuroma. I was a complete beginner on skates but managed the knee slides etc – but I’m not very good at going fast yet. So I can relate to what you’ve done and hope that I too will be able to make it one day in derby.

    I’m pinching that dance move.

    • Pinch away, Schmeedle!

      That food pain sounds awful, I hope it’s fixable. And good work on the knee slides and learning to skate. Luckily I remembered how to do it from childhood, but am still far from the complete ease and agility of the rest of the team.

  14. Wow, that sounds amazing. I can’t skate but it is always something I wanted to learn. Maybe now I will. My knees won’t thank me for it, but yolo.

  15. congratulations πŸ˜€

  16. Hi Kim, just went to my first derby – The Moulin Bruise Grand Final – I’m loving it!!!

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