The strategic penis

*** THIS IS A GUEST POST. A HUGE THANK YOU TO THE WONDERFUL, FUNNY WRITER ***

Where do I begin? Maybe a little bit about myself to set the scene. I am 49 years old. I have raised two sons on my own. I have a career and I am financially independent. I am assertive and intelligent but not a bitch.

Eighteen months ago I waved my sociopath (3rd) husband goodbye who was chronically unemployed but busy having affairs that I financed on my credit card. I am saying all this because it shows that even though I consider myself intelligent there is also a side to me that is gullible and dumb when it comes to men.

So, here I am single again but happy. I thought that a little bit of online dating would be appropriate and nice and I would maybe find a guy who likes to go to the museum with me, the movies and coffee afterwards. The general idea was we would take it slow and eventually a romance would blossom and we drive off in the sunset hugging and being happy ever after.

In reality it is a very different experience predominantly focused on the male sex organ. 9 out of 10 guys are keen in the first conversation on Whatsapp or Skype to ask questions about sexual preferences. Even I find it odd to ask this within the first 20-30 minutes of ‘meeting’, considering myself liberal and progressive, I comply and answer that anything that doesn’t hurt and is consensual is ok.

In my world this statement leaves it wide open to everybody’s imagination what I am happy to do and one would assume that this blanket statement does the trick and is the answer. But no, it doesn’t. In all cases (but 1) the next questions is “do you want to see something special” – and, there we go, 30 seconds later the picture of the penis arrives on the screen of my phone. For a while I thought that this is maybe the new dating style and I missed it because I was busy working my arse off for husband #3 so that he has enough money to take other women out?

There are a variety of styles and tactics. A common one is to send a photo taken in a bathroom with a towel around the hips as a start, as a build up so to speak. The rationale when queried why the towel is “I want you to see that I am healthy”. Fair enough. But then you get the picture without the towel because he assumed that you want to see the penis is healthy too.

Another variation is that he lies on the bed and the TV is on in the background, and he wants to show you his new socks. Bang there we go, suddenly there is the penis in the foreground too and you didn’t see it coming – not sure if this is a good choice of phrase.

There is also a choice of video pre-recordings one can choose from. All with the penis being the star of the show.

What is puzzling that most men think that their penis is unique or beautiful and they expect praise for the size, colour, shape or something else? I wonder if any of them is aware that every man on the planet has a penis and it is not a special find if a woman comes across one, especially if I have on my dating profile that I have two kids. Like Suzie says to Lisa “guess what happened to me last night. I have finally met a men with a penis, took me ages to find one…”.

Also, you never see the man’s face. Just the penis, as if it is a lure or something, no, I wouldn’t go out with a guy just because he has a penis.

Maybe there is a market for penis accessories to decorate them and differentiate them, because remember, the penis never comes with a face. I wonder if I could get rich like the lady who invented the little decorations for crocs, jibbitz. Penises would be so much nicer with a little bit of glitter and glam. What’s the point of standing it up if you can’t hang anything off it or attach a bow tie?

Or maybe an app? Instapenis, we could look at penises all the time and compare, like them, write a comment and share without catching anything. Or penisbook where you can create communities and befriend other penis from foreign countries and see customised ads about penis decoration. The sky is the limit!

No seriously, straight women love penises when they are in pants attached to a nice guy. We want them out and admire them when WE want.

PS I am not on Tinder, and I am not wearing a revealing dress on my profile pictures. I also don’t have a call to action that says: only profiles with penis picture…

29 responses to “The strategic penis

  1. The funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. And also rather educational. I’ve been out of the dating scene for many years and it is a brave new world. I do like the idea of bedazzling.

  2. They are obviously too lazy to google ‘rate my penis’ because if they did they could have thousands of strangers rate it for them.

  3. This.
    This is why I intend to live out my days reading Jane Austen and sleeping in a bed full of cats.

  4. What we need is evidence to show that men have something MORE THAN a penis

  5. As a lesbian, I’m kind of terrified of them, and I think tiny vests would help.

  6. I have had similar occurrences on dating sites! I found your article hilarious, accurate and beautifully written. Thanks for sharing!

  7. No no no..you all have it wrong. These men are being extremely honest and upfront and should be applauded for it.
    Everyone knows the first part of dating is trying to determine someone’s personality and its compatibility with your own, and they are clearly demonstrating their personality early to avoid any confusion.

  8. Yeah very common, I had to state very clearly on profile that no dick pics unless specifically asked. So utterly boring

  9. Very witty – there once was a blog called penissecret where the blogger (female) solicited dick pics with “secrets” written on them eg “This is normal, right?”

  10. It is so interesting that when I am on the dating sites, I don’t mention my penis. i talk about going to dinner, a movie, playing cards, cooking dinner for you. I am that 1 of 10 men and yet the women do not want to go out with me. They would rather, i find out, take a chance on the penis men. Somehow, I guess, they believe than can change him, make him love them and not concentrate only on his penis. Doesn’t work ladies – can you say player?!
    Just sayin,
    I think I wish we lived closer. It sounds as if we might, at least, hit it off.
    Scott

    • Scott, you probably would be friends (I can’t comment on anything else), but you do live a long way away from each other. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time with dating sites.

  11. Hilarious. Thank you. I was a veteran of on line dating; I sought another woman. Although I have been approached by many, many men, (avowed lesbians are irresistible) I haven’t been the recipient of penigrams, or vaginagrams. (I would hypothesize women don’t squat over their iphones and send the images to strangers.) I did once get threatened with breasts whilst skypeing a drunken psychologist. The thing I desired was that very good red she was murdering. She kept teasing me by showing bits of the label.

    When someone does you the very good service of letting you know what they are really like, it would be rude not to believe them.

  12. I am assertive and intelligent but not a bitch.
    This is an important disclaimer and should be widespread. It might ease manxiety around feminists.

  13. Whahahahahahahaha! I love your writing style and the subject 😜 Never tried to seduce a woman by showing her my penis though, but I must have missed the new hype.. Take care, keep on exploring, and keep on loving.

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