“Pride & Prejudice” is not a graceful period piece. It’s a hot sex movie.

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Image for article titled 'Pride & Prejudice' Not a graceful period piece.  It's a hot sex movie.

Screenshot: Pride and Prejudice

We’re predictable, we shy girls, obsessed with period dramas. Give us prolonged eye contact across a ballroom or a disheveled tie, and we’ll simply pass out. And it’s been a banner a few years to not just fade away but ooze all over – cunnilingus of dubious comfort in Bridgertonsecret whisper behind false walls in Emmameaningful looks into Portrait of a lady on fire. Yet no period drama scene had us unlacing our corsets like the Hand Flex featured in Pride and Prejudicethe 2005 version with Keira Knightley.

That the record shows that Colin Firth was a hotter Darcy than Matthew Macfadyen, but Colin Firth didn’t wave his hand, so once and for all the ongoing debate between the 2005 version and the 1995 version is settled .

The steam inherent in this scene has been written into the record a thousand times over by TikTokers and tweeterslikely propelled by the recent appearance of a decidedly less dreamy Macfadyen in Succession. Like Vulture said in a post last year dissecting the scene, “Pride and Prejudice Is a subtly exciting balm for our times. In an investigative report on the Hand Flex scene, Initiated said, “The 2005 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is a film built on subtleties. They’re right, the Hand Flex is subtle, and that’s what makes it hot. If you really want to delve into the subconscious of it all, you could say it represents all those times a person of romantic interest casually touched your shoulder or glanced in your direction. A time when you convinced yourself either that it didn’t happen, even though it totally did, or that it wasn’t significant, even though you turned to leaf divination. tea – and then you find yourself naked with said love all the way, proving you weren’t completely crazy for capturing such a subtle expression of desire. Or something like that. We look at period pieces because we recognize a version of ourselves in them, even anachronistic, right? There’s also the “pandemic has made us desperate for human contact” angle.

The problem is that when you overpower yourself in Hand Flex reruns, whether on TikTok or HBO, the Hand Flex loses its edge. It becomes, whatever part of your brain that triggers the sexual synapses, flaccid. I found that to be the case on my eight billionth viewing of P&P. Without my whole body connected to this scene and its outcome, I really focused on the rest of the movie and realized that the rest of this movie was actually not subtle at all. This lack subtlety. It’s stuffed with sex. It’s unbelievably torrid. And when you’re drawn to this hot, all of a sudden P&P (2005) becomes followed by laughter, in your head, to the sound of Seth Rogen discussing boobs with Pete Davidson.

If you’re not oversaturated with the Hand Flex, let’s relive it briefly to make our pants tingle a bit: Elizabeth, who is Kiera Knightly with bangs and brown sack dresses, very chic, hates Darcy, who is Macfadyen in a tie, who hates her back. Although hate is akin to love, as any Nora Roberts romance novel will teach you. Exposure! As Elizabeth goes to get into a car after resisting an onslaught of insults from Darcy – it’s flirting, Lizzy – Darcy grabs her hand and, standing up, helps her up the steps of the car. She, amazed, turns to look at him, but he is already walking away. Then, in a climax, the camera flashes on her hand, which flexes in a painfully excited way. Let’s compose.

Right now we have pig balls to discuss.

The pig balls first told me the torcity of this supposedly graceful movie like Keira-Knightley’s neck. In a scene featuring Mrs. Bennett on the farm, she takes a moment to stare at a pig’s huge backpack, as if thinking, an eligible bachelor for one of my five unmarried daughters? No, she gets rid of it, because it’s a pig.

In church, the wet Mr. Collins, in the pulpit, lets slip in his very pious sermon that certain virtues “can only be obtained by sexual intercourse…” before hastily correcting himself, “by the friendly or civil relations. An obvious sex joke!

Image for article titled 'Pride & Prejudice' Not a graceful period piece.  It's a hot sex movie.

Screenshot: Pride and Prejudice

Another explicitly sex-laden scene shows Lizzy wandering around Darcy’s house, openly staring at all the butts, balls, abs, and dicks on display in her gallery of statues. Then there’s the gazebo scene, where Darcy and Lizzy gasp while wet, staring at each other’s lips, and the mirror scene, which involves heavy breathing and unbuttoned shirts. They’re not funny per se, unless you remember this movie tries for subtlety, in which case they’re hilarious. UNcoldness. Seth Rogen laughs with Pete Davidson in your head.

When I was in high school, my cool aunt put a copy of Mr. Darcy takes a wife in my hands. In this fanfic sequel to Austen’s original text, Mr. Darcy and his wife dare each other all over Pemberley, as well as in cars, townhouses and in the field. They get a mirror so they can watch themselves boning. It was what 50 shades was from dusk: derived carbon. I think P&P (2005) is closer to Mr. Darcy takes a wife than it is in Austen’s original text. He revels in sexual undertones, turning up the heat with prying gags and moments of frontal lust. Fan fervor took a second of a movie and built a cottage industry around its subtlety. Damn subtlety! Where has subtlety got you?

You don’t have to search long and hard to find hard cock on TV, but the sex movie genre is in disarray. They’re all college kids with flabby chemistry, straight women playing male-led lesbians, and chaste romantic comedies. But for us shy girlsoh read too deeply into perioD pi.e. romance, P&P maybe like that meme of the woman being hit in the face by a bunch of floppy raw hot dogs. This film is explosively excited.

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